The Best Bad Movies

What turns a well-meaning movie, or at least a movie that initially was intended to fall into a particular genre and be at the very least decent, into something more enjoyable and worthy of the esteemed pantheon of the world’s finest awful movies can be difficult to describe. Sometimes just seeing these movies and noting where things went wrong is necessary.

What is also necessary is an above average sense of humor and a personality that enjoys watching the out of the ordinary. This same personality also enjoys watching movies that are not at all bad fims but are usually labeled “weird,” and are, rather, unique films such as David Lynch’s “Eraserhead,” Werner Herzog’s “Strotzek,” Pier Paolo Pasolini’s “Salo,” or Bigas Luna’s unique horror/suspense film, “Anguish.” What I have described, I suppose, is a different kind of pretentiousness than the kind typically associated with movie buffs, or in this case, “movie snobs.” To appreciate true badness in a movie is the same as appreciating a well-respected, high-minded foreign film. The following are my ten favorite delightfully terrible movies, one’s I have copies of, copies I treasure just as much as my copies of “Sideways,” “Slingblade,” and “Blade Runner.”

1. Samurai Cop (1988)—The misplaced, awkwardly delivered vulgarity, Samurai Cop’s hair, Samurai Cop’s partner’s reaction shots, it’s all just genius! Samurai Cop’s boss is always pissed off. Samurai Cop’s lady friend has excellent hair. Give Samurai Cop some ridges on his forehead and he could be a Klingon.

2. The Room (2005)—Tommy! Who doesn’t enjoy a game of 3 feet away from each other catch? The same awkward sex scene is repeated twice in the first ten minutes of the movie. Danny! The majestic music used as if we are watching a sweeping epic! Put yourself in The Room and you may never want to leave….or be able to leave.

3. Birdemic (2009)—Horrible, horrible CGI birds in 2010! It looks intentionally bad, but it’s not. I don’t think it is. The gorgeous Whitney Moore as Nathalie and her dirty feet. Pho!! Delicious. Coat hangers used as weapons of avian destruction! Don’t forget the gasoline!!

4. Troll 2 (1990)—Remember. “You don’t piss on hospitality!” There is no greater advice than this. Holly’s awesome dance in front of the mirror. I want to join in the fun! Wasn’t Julia Louis-Dreyfus in the first “Troll?” Holly (Connie Young) was in the better than expected Mormon movie, “The Single’s Ward” in 2002.

5. R.O.T.O.R. (1988)—Coldyron!! That song! “We’ve got to find our Hideway.” Oh,yes. “R.O.T.O.R.” was flmed in Dallas. I want to take the “R.O.T.O.R.” tour of Dallas which includes going to that house at the corner of Calculus and Haydale and then cap that off by going to eat at Crockett’s. The title is an example of the rare film title that is an acronymnal palindrome. I don’t know if “acronynmal” is a real word. Why are there a bunch of chairs set up in the parking garage? Let’s find our hideway.

6. Silent Night Deadly Night Part 2 (1987)—If you have not seen the first film, the first 30 minutes of SNDN Part 2 will catch you up. That’s what you do when you only have an hour’s worth of new stuff. Billy will take your trash out for you. Billy gets mad very easily, but it’s funny. Billy does not like tape recorders.

7. Gymkata (1985)—“Gymkata” is like if Michael J. Fox was cast to play a gymnast who fights bad guys using his gymnastic skills. Instead, they got a real gymnast, Kurt Thomas. Kurt Thomas is not very believable as the gymnast/badass. “Gymkata” has a difficult time deciding what time period it is set in. Thomas wears jeans and a casual button-down shirt, but the bad guys look like they are from feudal Japan. Tetchie Agbayani, the Filipino actress who plays Princess Rubali is extremely easy on the eyes! The name of the country in “Gymkata” is Parmistan, which I understand is great with linguini or on bed of saffron rice.

8. Carnival Magic (1980)—This movie has some of the best awkward audience reaction shots ever filmed and I love Al Adamson for that. It is a good example of the 70’s melding with the 80’s, probably only possible in North Carolina. A talking monkey never hurts things. I think Spielberg really missed the boat when he did not think about this obvious fact. “Lincoln” would have been that much better with a talking monkey.

9. Star Crystal (1986)—This film may have the best bad song in film history. “Crystal of a Star” is a masterpiece of sound. That voice, the voice of Stefani Christopherson, who I have discovered thanks to the webbernet, was the voice of Daphne on the original Scooby-Doo show in 1969 and was on an episode of M*A*S*H*. “I want to find out what you are. In all the world, you ARE the only oneaaaaaahahhhaaaahahahaaaaaaa!!” The other great thing about “Star Crystal” is that during the first hour it is an “Alien” rip-off, violent, bloody, worthy of it’s R-rating. In the last thirty minutes, the dart on the screenplay dart board landed on “family film with a cute alien in it.” Then we get the awesome song. It all adds up to something the Lord made.

10. Mac and Me (1988)—Six years after “E.T.” was released, “Mac and Me,” evidently a co-production of Columbia Pictures and McDonald’s was given to us. Grab a filet-o-fish and some of their delicious coffee and enjoy the show! I wonder if McDonald’s still allows guys dressed as football players to come in and dance in their restaurants.

11. The Pit (1981)—The star of the Canadian tv series, “Huckleberry Finn and His Friends,” Sammy Snyders IS Jamie in “The Pit.” Some more expertly crafted horrid acting can be found here. This film features a teddy bear that communicates with Jamie, the young boy who kills people by luring them into a pit in the woods. Instead of just adding one new song in the new film version of “Les Miserables,” why not also introduce a telepathic teddy bear into the mix? It worked in “The Pit.”